So I woke up this morning and thought it'd be nice to have a glass of orange juice. So I pulled our jug/bottle/douchejar of Simply Orange out of the fridge. (My mom has somewhat-recently become a health freak. Le sigh.) It was new and those things, as I have now discovered, are a BITCH to open.

That thing took me THREE MINUTES to get open! I just wanted some bloody orange juice! (I don't actually want my orange juice to have blood in it. It's an expression. One that I used because I thought it'd be more polite [at least to the non-Europeans] than "goddamn orange juice". And also because I imagined Scotty yelling it in my head.)

So I yelled at the Simply Orange bottle (and it's a good thing my mom wasn't home because she would've been like, "Youngest daughter of mine said WHAT?!"), "FUCK YOU Simply JERKFACE! I was just trying to be HEALTHY! You know what? I hope the next time you're crossing the street you get hit by CANCER! That's right! I said it! Oh stop your crying you whiny little bitch." (Okay, I didn't actually say that last part, but I SHOULD'VE.) And then it opened.

And OF COURSE it had one of those stupid foil cover things under the lid that I always have to get off with my teeth because I guess my fingers aren't strong enough or some shit. Whatever.

So then I had a nice cold glass of orange juice.

The End.